The Bunsby Papers (second series): Irish Echoes Read online

  CHAPTER V.

  Within the home where jealousy is found, A Upas grows that poisons all around.

  It would be as unprofitable as impossible to follow the ever-varyingimages of a dream, which, apparently consumed the best part of acentury; every half hour of which had its separate distress, althoughthe actual period of time passed did not reach ten minutes, to suchsingular and enormous expansion was the imagination swollen. The fewplacid moments distorted into numberless years of terror, like the dropof seemingly pure water, resolved, by microscopic power, into an oceanof repulsive monsters.

  Dan had just been very properly condemned to death for the five andtwentieth time, and had waited in gasping dread for the infliction ofsome inconceivable--except under such circumstances--mode of bodilytorture, when he heard a tremendous noise, like the explosion of animmense piece of ordnance, close by his side. With a nervous start,that benumbed his frame like a powerful shock, he awoke, bathed inperspiration and half dead with fright. The sound was repeated. It wasa simple, single, hesitating little knock at the chamber-door.

  "Who's there?" he stammered, scarcely yet aroused to the consciousnessof his identity.

  "It's me, sir," replied a gentle voice, that thrilled through him withdifferent sensations, for delight and joy stole over him like asun-ray. It was his wife's.

  "Come in, Peg," said he, "for an angel that you are. If it wasn't forthis blessed interruption I'd have died in my bed with the wear an'tear of murdherin' bad dreams." He would fain have rushed into Peggy'sarms as she entered, but the first attempt at making use of hiscontinuations painfully reminded him that they belonged to somebodyelse. It also admonished him that it was necessary for him to supporthis new character with dignity.

  "Well, ma'm," said he, "what do you mean by disturbin' me in thisunprincipled way?"

  "Indeed, sir," replied Peggy, timidly, "an' I'm a'most ashamed to tellyou; it's that man o' mine over the way, sir; sure, I don't know what'scome to him, at all, at all, within the last few hours."

  "Ho! ho!" thought Dan, he's had a quare time of it as well as myself."What's the matter with him, Mrs. Duffy?"

  "That's what I want to know, sir, av anybody'd only tell me; I neverknew him to kick up such tanthrums ever since we come together; musha!sure, an' the devil's in him if ever he enthered a mortal body, thisblessed day--an' _dhrink!_ murdher alive, sir, av he wouldn't dhrinkthe _say_ dhry av he only had the swally, I'm not here."

  "That's bad, very bad, indeed," said the other, oracularly. "Peopleshould never indulge in such terrible propensities," he went on, with abold attempt at Bulworthy's phraseology.

  "Sure, sir, doesn't it depend upon what dhrives them to it?" repliedPeggy. "Throuble's mighty dhrouthy, sir, intirely; it dhrys up a poorman's throat as if there was a fire in his mouth, and, indeed, me poorDan's poorer nor the poorest this holy day."

  "That's no rayson, ma'm," said the other, with mock sternness, althoughhis frame was in a glow of joy at hearing how Peggy managed to findexcuses for his favorite failing. "That's no rayson, ma'm; the morefool him for addin' flame to the fire."

  "Thrue for you, sir, but then doesn't it dhrownd the blaze for thetime?"

  "I'll answer ye that, Mrs. Duff, if you please, allygorically; did yeever see a few dhrops of sperrets flung into a blazin' fire? amurdherin' lot of dhrowndin' there is about it; bedad, the fire onlyburns with greater strength."

  "Then, of coorse, your honor, it stands to good sense that it's foolishto take _only_ a few dhrops," she replied, with a sly look at theSquire, that made the laugh bubble all over his ruddy face.

  "One would a'most suppose that you loved this Dan of yours," said he.

  "Love him, sir! do the spring flowers love the sun? does the youngmother love her new-born babby?"

  "Oh! murdher, murdher! listen to this," cried Dan; "an' me shut upinside of this prison of a carcass; it was a mortial sin to leave her,an' I'm sufferin' for it as I ought, an' it sarves me right." Thethought made him savage, so turning to poor Peggy with a look of anger,he continued, fiercely:

  "What brought you here, ma'm? may-be you'll condescind to inform me atoncet."

  "Oh! sir, don't be angry wid him, but its outrageous intirely that heis; sure, he wants somethin' that I'm afeared to ax."

  "What is it? don't keep me waitin' all day."

  "I hope yer honor will take into considheration the way he's in justnow, for he sthole out onbeknown to me, an' how he got the sup, I can'ttell; but it's on him dhreadful, or he'd never think of the likes."

  "The likes of what? what's throublin' him now? speak out, woman, oryou'll drive the little bit of patience that I have clean out of me."

  "Then, sir, the long an' the short of it is, an' I dunno what put suchfoolishness in his head, he towld me to ax yer honor, if yer honor hada thrifle of that soup left; he'd take it as a mighty great favor ifyer honor would let him have the least taste in life of it," saidPeggy, with an extreme misgiving as to how so presumptuous a requestwould be received.

  "Is that all?" said Dan, calmly, to her intense relief. "Take it, an'welcome, Mrs. Duff, an' if it does him as much good as it did me youwon't be throubled wid such a message again, I'll be bound; there's thevagabone stuff in that big bowl over on the sideboard fornenst you; an'tell him, by the same token, from me, that av he feels at alluncomfortable in his present quarthers, it wouldn't kill me right outto swap again."

  "Swap what, sir?" inquired Peggy, rather mystified.

  "Oh! he'll know what I mean."

  "And so do I," screamed the irate Mrs. Bulworthy rushing into the room,at the door of which, she had been listening during the entireconversation, the spirit of which had inflamed her jealous temperamentup to fever heat.

  "I know what you want to swap, you ill-conditioned profligate," shewent on, in true Zantippe style. "You want to swap wives, don't you?"

  "Faix, an' you never said a thruer word," coolly replied Dan.

  This was too much for the excited dame; with a yell of fury she rushedat Peggy, and would assuredly have indented the marks of all herfinger-nails in her comely countenance, but that the other, finding thedoor conveniently open, snatched up the tureen of soup and fled downstairs like a phantom.

  Her prey thus escaping, the shock of her terrible rage was concentratedupon the head of the devoted Dan; to what grievous extremity it wouldcarry her he had not an idea, but he felt that something awful wasabout to take place.

  "Considher my misfortunes," he cried, "and be merciful, Mrs.Bulworthy."

  Implacable as the embodied Parcae, she advanced towards him.

  "You're not goin' to murdher me, woman," he roared.

  Silently, she approached still nearer, desperation was in her aspect.

  "Help, murdher, help!" cried Dan, inevitable fate seeming to be on thepoint of overwhelming him in some way or another.

  "What the divil is the ould monsther goin' to do?" thought he, as afrightful suspicion raised his flesh into little hillocks, and made hishair sting his head like needle-points, when he saw her deliberatelytake a singular-looking phial and pour out a few drops of a fiery redliquor, filling the rest of the glass with water, through which theformer hissed and eddied for a few moments, and then subsided into ahorrible blackness.

  "Drink this," she ejaculated, solemnly, "and pay the penalty of yourinfamous conduct."

  "What is it?" he inquired, in a voice of alarm.

  "Poison! you profligate," replied the other, regarding him with aBorgian expression.

  "Holy Vargin! an' me screwed into the floor wid this _threfalian_gout," gasped Dan, his face bedewed with the effect of his mentalagony. "Stop! you murdherin' ould witch! Stop! you have no right tosarve me this way. I don't belong to you at all," cried Dan, as a lastresource.

  "What do you mean by that, you miserable sinner?"

  "I mean that you're no wife o' mine, the Lord be praised for it."

  "Would you deny your honest wife, you cannibal?"

  "I would--I do," cried he, desperately.


  "You're not my husband?"

  "I'll be upon my Bible oath I'm not."

  "What--not Bulworthy?"

  "The divil a toe, ma'm, savin' yer presence. I'm Dan Duff, the cobbler,from over the way."

  "Oh, the man's mad--mad as a coot," said Mrs. Bulworthy, with appallingcalmness, "and it would only be a mercy to put him out of his misery,soon an' suddent."

  "_Tear an aigers_, av I only had the use of these blaggard legs ofmine, wouldn't I make an example of ye, you ould witch of Endher,"muttered Dan. "I won't be slaughtered without an offer to save myself,any way." With that, he started to his feet, and to his great surpriseand delight discovered that his powers of locomotion were unimpeded.With a wild hurroo! he jumped, as only a Munster man can jump, anddancing over to the now thoroughly alarmed Squiress, who could seenothing in such extravagance but a confirmation of his utter insanity,he lifted her in his arms as though she were a rag doll.

  "Now, ma'm," said he, "I'll see if I can't cure your propensity forpison. Into that closet you'll go, and out of it you sha'n't budgeuntil you come to your senses, or I come to myself; and I'm afeard thatone's as far off as the other--worse luck for both of us;" and so,without the slightest attempt at resistance on her part, not knowing towhat extremity this outburst of madness would lead him, he snuglydeposited her ladyship in a corner cupboard, which he locked, and putthe key in his pocket, accompanying the whole movement with a paroxysmof laughter, so long and loud that she congratulated herself upon theslight shelter thus afforded her, and only feared that the next phasein his malady would be of more sanguinary a nature.

  This great feat accomplished, Dan threw himself back in the easy-chair,and began seriously to ruminate upon his present condition and hisfuture prospects.

  "This, then, is what I left my blessed Peg and the blesseder babby for;to live a life of gout and conthrariness, never to have any confidencein my muscles, but always thremblin' for feard that sharp-spurredjockey would take a fancy for a canther, or, what's worse even thanthat, to be in dhread of the penethratin' tongue of ould mother Gab,yondher, whinever I'm laid by the leg; oh! if iver there was a poorsinner that repinted, it's myself that's last on the list, an'greatest; could I only see the darlin' of a sperret that gev me thegood advice I so foolishly kicked at, it's beg her pardon on my bendedknees--that I would, if it was hot cendhers that was undher them."

  At that instant, he was aware of the gentlest of all gentle touches onhis shoulder, and on turning his head in the direction, sure enough,there she was.

  Dan was prostrate before her, in a moment. "Ora good luck and long lifeto you, miss, for comin' to me in my disthress; I don't deserve it, Iknow I don't."

  "Get up, Mr. Duff," said the spirit. "I am but the reflection of yourbetter thoughts; therefore, you must proffer your repentance, throughme, to the throne of One who rules us both."

  "I will, I will," cried the other; "truly and wholly," covering hisface with his hands, through which the tears now streamed copiously.

  "What is your wish?" inquired the good spirit.

  "You know, you _must_ know, for it's fairly breakin' my heart I amhere; I want to get back to myself, and Peggy, an' the boy."

  "Ah! you have begun to think of _them_ at last."

  "I own I have been selfish, sinfully, wretchedly selfish, but I'mcured," replied Dan, in a tone of contrition.

  "But you remember the conditions of the compact," said the other,"neither of you can regain your original form and station unless bothconsent."

  "Oh! _wirrasthrue_, then I'll never be my own man again," sobbed Dan."Ould Bulworthy, bad 'cess to him, has the best of the bargain, an'he'll stick to it like wax; small blame to him for it, seein' that Isould my comfort entirely for a pair of murdherin' top-boots; he ain'tsuch an omathaun as to come back here to his gout an' his scowldin'madame, when its a thrifle of hunger is all he'll have to put up wid,over the way, an' there's happiness enough in one glance of Peggy'sbright eye, to swally that up if it was ten times as throublesome; andthere's the boy, too, that's like a growin' angel about the house,fillin' up every spot of it wid heavenly joy; oh! _wirra, wirra!_ sure,I didn't know the luck I was in until I lost it out an' out."

  "The perversity of mankind is strange," said the spirit. "Are youcertain that Bulworthy is content in his present condition?"

  "How the divil can he be otherwise?" replied the other, savagely.

  "_You_ were not, you remember."

  "Because I didn't know there was a _worse_: like an ignorant fool, Ithought that a scanty meal now and then was the greatest calamity inthe world; be me sowl, I've had the knowledge rubbed into my bones,that too much is sometimes apt to sting a fellow afterwards more thantoo little."

  "Perhaps the sensation of hunger may be to him as disagreeable as thesense of satiety is to you," suggested the spirit.

  "Oh! if there was only a chance of that," cried Dan, brightening up atthe idea. "An' be the same token, now that I think of it, he did sendover for some of that vagabone soup; long life to you, you've put thehope into me heart once more; but how the mischief am I to find out thestate of the ould blaggard's feelin's?"

  "There's nothing like going to work in a straightforward way," said thespirit; "just put on your hat and go over and ask him."

  "Faix, an' I will, an' thank you kindly, too, for puttin' it into mehead," replied Dan.

  "I wish you good morning, then," said the other, and even while Dan waslooking at her straight in her face, she gradually resumed her vaporyappearance, growing thinner and thinner, until she finally went outlike a puff of tobacco.